weak in my knees

cindy 真的需要知足..

my weakness is that i get upset really easily.
maybe i shouldn't be so sensitive.
maybe i should deal with myself.
maybe it's totally my problem.
but why do i feel i'm always led on?

1) when people say 'will call you back', but never did.
2) when people say 'i love you', 'i care for you', 'i will do anything for you', but when you just want them to listen, they don't, but they scoffed. they say all these sweet somethings and you really think they genuinely care for you but it's all BULL S*IT! it's all BS.
they say all these nice things but it's never meant to work in reality.
really.
maybe because you know me, know that im emotional, so maybe you think im being overly sensitive, but really. really.. really. please trust me that i'm not making things up. but these people who said words of sweet nothings do exist. and this happens to me, alot.
i don't want to remember all the bad things. because if i do, i can never ever open up to them.
but one very very simple example recently.
i burnt my hands really badly and she asked me wht's wrong?
and i told her i burnt my hands and that they're still prickling.
she was like "awwwwww. poor cindy."
"how?"
" blah blah boiling soup-bowl-holding bowl-hecka hot-didn't let go-spilled-then put on table"
then, ..THEN,
"did you burn the table?"

er.

yarh. call me sensitive.
but after that, the conversation ends.

sigh. that's why. that's why i would rather people not tell me they love me care for me and all that when they don't justify their words with actions.
i seriously don't require HUGE actions.
but its just.. simple things. its the simple thingss. IT REALLY IS.

another incident:
"Cindyyyyyyy! it will be very different w/o you. please commmeeeee"
好不容易, 我終于去了.
but the whole time i was left alone.
i really don't understand.
i'm just so frustrated with myself why i can't be more ROCK-HEART. really.
and i can't really tell anyone in person, or have a shoulder to cry on, literally, cus no one in LA understands. everybody's relationship to me is just that Candy-coated sweetness. But there isn't any reality.
The people that ended up comforting me are those further away.

I can't live everyday in this superciality.
Isn't there anyone, really?

sigh.

Because of my situation, i am so much more vulnerable in terms of guys.
Recently I have been so good with myself, keeping myself very into school and work and school and work and school and internships. 'busy' is the word.
everyday i have a crazy schedule to follow.
was very very content with my life. just want to be away from 'GUYs' and what comes with it.
i know my weakness and i don't want to fall for someone who's not whom im supposed to fall for.
i don't want to depend on a phone call or a text message or a lunch time to be happy.
i don't want to wait for a stupid-never-to-come call/text msg/lunch/dinner.
i don't want to live the way i did before, waiting foolishly.
blinded.
no more.
i want to live my own life.
i see how sisters and friends cry their eyes out for a Guy, and i really don't want to be in that position.
i've cried too much for people (Girls and Guys) who led me on.
i want to look away from 'G' until it is the right time for me to start something.
cus if i were to fight it, fight against what's predestined, i will get nothing by defeat, and pain.

yes, so i was very content with how my life goes.
cus i no longer have adrenaline rushes for anyone, and i have no strings attached with anyone.

but.
but. satan knows his stuffs.

if he send a brother to me, i would fall.

am i that weak?

yes.

a brother who asked me "are you cold?"
a brother who was so excited and said "yay! i got cindy's # now! i got cindy's # now!"
and he who got my msn said he would add me that night.
and he who would take initiative to offer to carry my books,
and he who persuaded me not to walk home at night alone because he didn't want to lose a sister,
that he would walk me instead.

i would fall.
not fall in love, but just .. he got my attention now.

but how genuine is a person?
only the Lord knows.
and i know these kind of brothers are the best in making millions of sisters fall for him but it's all..just his sweet talking. I know many like that. And it's always best to double your armor to these kinds of brothers.

i don't want to be stupid and fall for all these words of sweet nothings.
(even though that brother supported his words with actions)
but yar. Guard my Heart is what i should do.